Only 361 days until NEXT Mother’s Day.

Posted on May 16, 2013 by

I have never liked Mother’s Day.  There, I said it.  And it’s not because I lost my own mother six years ago.  In thinking through this post, I have done some informal social scientific polling and have found that I am not alone in my aversion to Mother’s Day (and Valentine’s Day and other Hallmark “holidays”).

Even before my mother passed away suddenly, I was acutely aware of the mass consumption that surrounded the “holiday.”  I thought that I expressed my appreciation for both of my parents as often as I could and I felt resentful that this one day on the calendar upped the ante in terms of mother-love.  I did the Mother’s Day thing for my mom because she liked having a special day.

Mother's DayMy conscientious objection to Mother’s Day has less to due with expressing love and appreciation for our mothers (and our aunts, grandmothers, cousins, sisters, friends) and more to due with the monetization of our appreciation.  Mother’s Day like other Hallmark “holidays” has strayed from its roots.  Mother’s Day grew out of a church service honoring the efforts of mothers to improve working conditions for other women and raise awareness of women’s suffering around the world.

Unsurprisingly, the ads for Mother’s Day imply that all mothers’ roles have changed little in the twenty-first century.  On Mother’s Day, we encourage mom to “take a break” from mothering and household duties (like cooking) to relax, as though mothers are overbearing and relentless, constantly cleaning and cooking.  One hundred years after its inception, Mother’s Day is about buying presents and sending flowers.  Flower purchases for Mother’s Day account for one-quarter of all holiday flower purchases yearly and Americans spent $17B on Mother’s Day gifts in 2012.  That’s up from $15B in 2009!  We hardly think about where these flowers come from [spoiler alert: the flowers are largely grown in Columbia where works conditions could be questionable] . I often wonder if Columbian mothers working on flower farms wish they had a day to themselves, celebrated with brunch and roses.

I wish I had captured more media images of Mother’s Day goods, but I can’t.  Retailers have moved on to Father’s Day.

Posted in gender equality, holidays, motherhood, personal, women | Leave a comment

Commencement was my mother’s day

Posted on May 12, 2013 by

Pomp and circumstance. It gets me every time.

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Posted in academia, grad school, higher education | Leave a comment

The defense in the rear-view mirror

Posted on May 9, 2013 by

On Tuesday, I defended my dissertation project.  In the course of writing and editing and re-editing my project, I have heard many platitudes about the dissertation experience, and I have to admit that I was pretty tired of the rhetoric.  I actually started a blog post entitled “Why ‘the best dissertation is a done dissertation’ is tired rhetoric.”

I knew “my committee would never let me get this far unless they thought I was ready.” I also knew that “this was not meant to be my magnum opus.” I was pretty certain that “it didn’t have to be perfect–just finished,” and I was well aware that “the defense should be a conversation between you and your committee about your project.” My father could not stop reminding me that “they don’t just give away PhDs–you have to work hard for them.”  I suffered through all of these platitudes–sometimes several a day and sometimes several times in one encounter.

And I am disappointed to tell you that they are all true.

I have no horror story to tell about my dissertation defense because it was a very satisfying and proud moment in my professional life.  The project is close to two years in the making.  I “proposed” a project when I was seven months pregnant in 2011 that my committee deemed too ambitious.  In the time after my little daughter was born, I reformulated the project and defended a proposal in the spring of 2012.  Then I buckled down for one solid year and conducted the analysis and wrote wrote wrote my project. My advisor was with me every step of the way and she put me through the paces.  She pushed me to think critically again and again about my writing, about the analysis, and about where my work would fit in to the broader scholarship.

And when we finally agreed that the project was ready for the committee, and while I waited patiently for the committee to commit to a defense date, I worried and wondered and over thought every possible outcome for the defense day.  As a graduate student, you are supposed to act authoritative and commanding but after many oral defense experiences over the last few years, I have left feeling serious imposter syndrome.

But dissertation defense day was really different for me.  I drafted a presentation, refined my talk, and practiced my behind off.  I stayed slightly doubtful of myself until about 24 hours before the actual event when I decided there was nothing else I could do.  An encouraging email from my advisor the night before the defense put my mind at ease.  The defense train was leaving the station and I had to be on it.

And I was.  Miraculously, I made a presentation where I felt confident and self-assured.  I was prepared for potential questions with close to thirty appendix slides and I never had to tap into any of them.  Afterwards, my committee agreed that the project was a solid dissertation and my advisor was really happy with my performance.  My family members were beaming.

But most of all, I was really proud of myself.

[I plan to write a "get prepped for defense day" post next week but wanted to share my good news first.]

Posted in academia, dissertation, grad school, lessons learned, personal, work, writing | 1 Comment

So far 35 is easy living.

Posted on May 4, 2013 by

I had a birthday yesterday. It was one of those easy days with the right blend of people, sunshine and coffee. I did some work, treated myself to a few goodies, and had an incredible little celebration with my family. There were French fries consumed al fresco. There was a birthday wake up call from the girls. And so very many Facebook greetings.

It was supreme.

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Posted in coffee, family, fashion, personal | Leave a comment

Things I didn’t teach my daughters

Posted on April 24, 2013 by
Lellow train

“Lellow train”

This past weekend while playing with the train table at the public library, my nearly two-year old daughter held up a bright yellow train and said, “Lellow train!” She was quite proud of herself.  We knew that she knew some of her colors, but we didn’t realize she was getting pretty accurate.  I held up a Thomas the train engine and asked, “What color is this one?”  Her response: “Boo.”

We have had the same experience with our older daughter.  Periodically, she’ll ask a question or say something out of the blue and we will have no idea where she learned it.  Sure, my husband is trying to teach her to read, but we are certainly not teaching her about dinosaur species.  So, when she surprises us with dinosaur names over dinner, we are both tickled and puzzled.

These little moments of discovery sneak up on you as a parent.  Children are smart and we give them little credit for their own development and discoveries.  With our older daughter, as it goes with most first children, we were focused on her every move.  My husband and I realize that we cannot be as focused on our second daughter’s every little success as we were with our first daughter at the same age.  In fact, we wonder how much we’re missing.  And if we’re missing something, are we in control of what they’re learning?

Tutus on the go

Tutus on the go

For once, I am keenly aware of how little we control their socialization.  As a sociologist, I teach about socialization (and I have been working on a post about socialization and gender but am still ironing out some kinks with it).  I teach about socialization as a process that takes place with many actors involved, including, families, communities, peers, schools, and other institutions like childcare facilities.

It’s hitting home that socialization is a real thing.  And depending on your work/life situation, you may have outside institutions other than family involved in your children’s socialization earlier than you anticipated.  Like other working parents, we have help with childcare.  We have been so thankful to find a good quality daycare facility where the staff really loves our children.  The only day I ever worried about leaving the girls was their very first day.  Every day since has been a non-event.  The girls love going there and now their classrooms are around the corner from one another so they are constantly checking on each other.  And while they are learning about colors and dinosaurs, about art and building blocks, they also bring home things we never taught them.  Like Justin Bieber lyrics, thanks to one classmate with an older sister.

We want to celebrate the things they know, but I feel guilty that I’m not teaching them everything.  Then again, there are probably plenty of things they’ll eventually know that I want no credit for.  We’ve crossed a few of those bridges earlier than I wanted to because we’ve already had to explain death to our older daughter.  She didn’t understand why her daddy has a mommy but her mommy does not have a mommy anymore.  I did not feel ready to shake up her world like that.  But after last week’s events in Boston, I cannot help but wonder about the things I’ll have to teach them before I’m ready for them to know.

Posted in family, kids, lessons learned, media, parenthood, personal, socialization | Leave a comment

When you report to yourself….

Posted on April 12, 2013 by

Some days, you tick off a list of to do items and you sit back at the end of the day and marvel at your productivity. For me, that was this past Monday and Tuesday.  It seems Friday has a different plan for me. I feel unmotivated to do anything today. I did some writing this morning since my friend announced my participation in this storytelling event in Hartford in two weeks.  I have written several stories trying to get prepared for my storytelling debut. And I have to tell you, I’m kind of nervous.

But beyond some writing this morning and some light editing, it’s been a less than productive day.  I know I got things accomplished but it does not feel like it.  And I was thinking about making a list of strategies that I use to get back on track when I lose focus. It seems blogging is now a form of procrastination.

Here goes:

1. Make a list.  Then email that list to yourself. Don’t open the actual list in email form. Just let it linger in your inbox, mocking you and also reminding you that you have stuff to do.  If you really forget what you have to do, then open it. Then after you’ve read your to do list email, mark it as unread.  Don’t delete it unless you actually complete all of the tasks on the list. (No really. Don’t delete it)

2. Clean your desk. [Cleaning out your work bag also counts here.] Physical clutter can lead to clutter in the brain.  I would be embarrassed to show you what my desk looks like right now. It’s really not that bad, but it’s also not that great. (Husband will for sure make a comment about this)

3. Change it up! Change locations even if it means getting out of your office or your coffee shop or off your couch and physically move your bones someplace else. The change of perspective accomplishes two things. It gets your blood flowing because sitting for too long is not good for you.  And it gets your face looking at something new.  On this rainy day, working from the couch and home office might be associated with the lack of productivity.

4. Give in and don’t feel guilty about it.  I am not one to encourage procrastination or shirking your responsibilities, but sometimes, you have to steer into the skid.  (Right? Steer into the skid? I never remember)  I believe in serious focus during work time, but sometimes, your brain needs a break.  And if you are able to take that break (i.e. have the time, the space, the means to give yourself an hour off), do it. Like the change of scenery, you get some perspective when you simply stop thinking about what you do all of the time and actually unplug from it.

When you report to yourself, you also have to cut yourself some slack sometimes.  On this Friday afternoon when I feel like I didn’t write enough, edit enough, accomplish enough, I want to remind myself that I’m truly doing the best I possibly can. And in less than 30 minutes, the socially constructed weekend begins.

Posted in blogging, coffee, health, lessons learned, personal, procrastinating, work, writing | Leave a comment

When what you were writing becomes what you wrote

Posted on April 2, 2013 by

March was a blur.  February was a blur, too. I was teaching, polishing off the “final” draft of my dissertation, making presentations at a regional conference, and keeping myself afloat (and my personal life from coming apart at the seams).  We also celebrated my preschooler’s 4th birthday and I welcomed the break from mad-editing my dissertation project to make felt bluebirds and pipe-cleaner flowers for her party.

I have been thinking about writing since I submitted my dissertation project to my Dissertation in progress 2committee last week.  With a full draft “complete” and pending feedback from my committee, I have found myself without something to write.  Now that I’m almost “finished”–and in academia, we’re never really finished with anything until it’s in press–all of those words I have been writing are now words I wrote.  As I paged through the document, I could not feel prouder that I wrote all of those words.  My project is actually written.  What was once an active process suddenly feels passive.

What happens when what you’ve been writing (and editing and re-writing and re-re-writing) becomes something you wrote?  I have found that I am not handling the transition very well.  Even though I have advised new graduate students to plan for the transition from one project to another, I am struggling to stay focused.  This lull in my day to day work life has left a considerable hole.

Dissertation in progress 1Over the last two months, I have not been able to devote time to writing and blogging in the same way I had during the fall semester.  Blogging provided a balance to my scholarly writing.  Blogging gave me a chance to simply write.  Part of the reason I like blogging is that I have control over what I write, how I write it, and when I share my writing with readers.  In academia, it rarely works this way.  As a graduate student, you work in concert with mentors and advisors and sometimes with other graduate students.  As an early career scholar, you’ll engage with academic publishing where most research and writing is subject to peer-review.  Even outside of academic publishing, I’ve submitted two essays to an online publication and they’re also subject to an editor’s approval (see them here and here).  Other people will always be involved in the words I write.

As I approach the end of my graduate training, I think it is important to pause and enjoy the progress I’ve made.  I’ve agonized over sentences and words, formatted table after table and figure after figure, reformulated my own thoughts and ideas, and in the end, learned quite a bit.  Now to decide what to write next.

Posted in academia, blogging, dissertation, grad school, higher education, lessons learned, teaching, work, writing | 2 Comments