rogue cheerios

Commencement was my mother’s day

Posted on May 12, 2013 by rglw

Pomp and circumstance. It gets me every time.

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The defense in the rear-view mirror

Posted on May 9, 2013 by rglw

On Tuesday, I defended my dissertation project. In the course of writing and editing and re-editing my project, I have heard many platitudes about the dissertation experience, and I have to admit that I was pretty tired of the rhetoric. I actually started a blog post entitled “Why ‘the best dissertation is a done dissertation’ is tired rhetoric.”

I knew “my committee would never let me get this far unless they thought I was ready.” I also knew that “this was not meant to be my magnum opus.” I was pretty certain that “it didn’t have to be perfect–just finished,” and I was well aware that “the defense should be a conversation between you and your committee about your project.” My father could not stop reminding me that “they don’t just give away PhDs–you have to work hard for them.” I suffered through all of these platitudes–sometimes several a day and sometimes several times in one encounter.

And I am disappointed to tell you that they are all true.

I have no horror story to tell about my dissertation defense because it was a very satisfying and proud moment in my professional life. The project is close to two years in the making. I “proposed” a project when I was seven months pregnant in 2011 that my committee deemed too ambitious. In the time after my little daughter was born, I reformulated the project and defended a proposal in the spring of 2012. Then I buckled down for one solid year and conducted the analysis and wrote wrote wrote my project. My advisor was with me every step of the way and she put me through the paces. She pushed me to think critically again and again about my writing, about the analysis, and about where my work would fit in to the broader scholarship.

And when we finally agreed that the project was ready for the committee, and while I waited patiently for the committee to commit to a defense date, I worried and wondered and over thought every possible outcome for the defense day. As a graduate student, you are supposed to act authoritative and commanding but after many oral defense experiences over the last few years, I have left feeling serious imposter syndrome.

But dissertation defense day was really different for me. I drafted a presentation, refined my talk, and practiced my behind off. I stayed slightly doubtful of myself until about 24 hours before the actual event when I decided there was nothing else I could do. An encouraging email from my advisor the night before the defense put my mind at ease. The defense train was leaving the station and I had to be on it.

And I was. Miraculously, I made a presentation where I felt confident and self-assured. I was prepared for potential questions with close to thirty appendix slides and I never had to tap into any of them. Afterwards, my committee agreed that the project was a solid dissertation and my advisor was really happy with my performance. My family members were beaming.

But most of all, I was really proud of myself.

[I plan to write a “get prepped for defense day” post next week but wanted to share my good news first.]

Posted in academia, dissertation, grad school, lessons learned, personal, work, writing | 3 Comments

So far 35 is easy living.

Posted on May 4, 2013 by rglw

I had a birthday yesterday. It was one of those easy days with the right blend of people, sunshine and coffee. I did some work, treated myself to a few goodies, and had an incredible little celebration with my family. There were French fries consumed al fresco. There was a birthday wake up call from the girls. And so very many Facebook greetings.

It was supreme.

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Things I didn’t teach my daughters

Posted on April 24, 2013 by rglw

“Lellow train”

This past weekend while playing with the train table at the public library, my nearly two-year old daughter held up a bright yellow train and said, “Lellow train!” She was quite proud of herself. We knew that she knew some of her colors, but we didn’t realize she was getting pretty accurate. I held up a Thomas the train engine and asked, “What color is this one?” Her response: “Boo.”

We have had the same experience with our older daughter. Periodically, she’ll ask a question or say something out of the blue and we will have no idea where she learned it. Sure, my husband is trying to teach her to read, but we are certainly not teaching her about dinosaur species. So, when she surprises us with dinosaur names over dinner, we are both tickled and puzzled.

These little moments of discovery sneak up on you as a parent. Children are smart and we give them little credit for their own development and discoveries. With our older daughter, as it goes with most first children, we were focused on her every move. My husband and I realize that we cannot be as focused on our second daughter’s every little success as we were with our first daughter at the same age. In fact, we wonder how much we’re missing. And if we’re missing something, are we in control of what they’re learning?

Tutus on the go

For once, I am keenly aware of how little we control their socialization. As a sociologist, I teach about socialization (and I have been working on a post about socialization and gender but am still ironing out some kinks with it). I teach about socialization as a process that takes place with many actors involved, including, families, communities, peers, schools, and other institutions like childcare facilities.

It’s hitting home that socialization is a real thing. And depending on your work/life situation, you may have outside institutions other than family involved in your children’s socialization earlier than you anticipated. Like other working parents, we have help with childcare. We have been so thankful to find a good quality daycare facility where the staff really loves our children. The only day I ever worried about leaving the girls was their very first day. Every day since has been a non-event. The girls love going there and now their classrooms are around the corner from one another so they are constantly checking on each other. And while they are learning about colors and dinosaurs, about art and building blocks, they also bring home things we never taught them. Like Justin Bieber lyrics, thanks to one classmate with an older sister.

We want to celebrate the things they know, but I feel guilty that I’m not teaching them everything. Then again, there are probably plenty of things they’ll eventually know that I want no credit for. We’ve crossed a few of those bridges earlier than I wanted to because we’ve already had to explain death to our older daughter. She didn’t understand why her daddy has a mommy but her mommy does not have a mommy anymore. I did not feel ready to shake up her world like that. But after last week’s events in Boston, I cannot help but wonder about the things I’ll have to teach them before I’m ready for them to know.

Posted in family, kids, lessons learned, media, parenthood, personal, socialization | Leave a comment

When you report to yourself….

Posted on April 12, 2013 by rglw

Some days, you tick off a list of to do items and you sit back at the end of the day and marvel at your productivity. For me, that was this past Monday and Tuesday. It seems Friday has a different plan for me. I feel unmotivated to do anything today. I did some writing this morning since my friend announced my participation in this storytelling event in Hartford in two weeks. I have written several stories trying to get prepared for my storytelling debut. And I have to tell you, I’m kind of nervous.

But beyond some writing this morning and some light editing, it’s been a less than productive day. I know I got things accomplished but it does not feel like it. And I was thinking about making a list of strategies that I use to get back on track when I lose focus. It seems blogging is now a form of procrastination.

Here goes:

1. Make a list. Then email that list to yourself. Don’t open the actual list in email form. Just let it linger in your inbox, mocking you and also reminding you that you have stuff to do. If you really forget what you have to do, then open it. Then after you’ve read your to do list email, mark it as unread. Don’t delete it unless you actually complete all of the tasks on the list. (No really. Don’t delete it)

2. Clean your desk. [Cleaning out your work bag also counts here.] Physical clutter can lead to clutter in the brain. I would be embarrassed to show you what my desk looks like right now. It’s really not that bad, but it’s also not that great. (Husband will for sure make a comment about this)

3. Change it up! Change locations even if it means getting out of your office or your coffee shop or off your couch and physically move your bones someplace else. The change of perspective accomplishes two things. It gets your blood flowing because sitting for too long is not good for you. And it gets your face looking at something new. On this rainy day, working from the couch and home office might be associated with the lack of productivity.

4. Give in and don’t feel guilty about it. I am not one to encourage procrastination or shirking your responsibilities, but sometimes, you have to steer into the skid. (Right? Steer into the skid? I never remember) I believe in serious focus during work time, but sometimes, your brain needs a break. And if you are able to take that break (i.e. have the time, the space, the means to give yourself an hour off), do it. Like the change of scenery, you get some perspective when you simply stop thinking about what you do all of the time and actually unplug from it.

When you report to yourself, you also have to cut yourself some slack sometimes. On this Friday afternoon when I feel like I didn’t write enough, edit enough, accomplish enough, I want to remind myself that I’m truly doing the best I possibly can. And in less than 30 minutes, the socially constructed weekend begins.

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When what you were writing becomes what you wrote

Posted on April 2, 2013 by rglw

March was a blur. February was a blur, too. I was teaching, polishing off the “final” draft of my dissertation, making presentations at a regional conference, and keeping myself afloat (and my personal life from coming apart at the seams). We also celebrated my preschooler’s 4th birthday and I welcomed the break from mad-editing my dissertation project to make felt bluebirds and pipe-cleaner flowers for her party.

I have been thinking about writing since I submitted my dissertation project to my committee last week. With a full draft “complete” and pending feedback from my committee, I have found myself without something to write. Now that I’m almost “finished”–and in academia, we’re never really finished with anything until it’s in press–all of those words I have been writing are now words I wrote. As I paged through the document, I could not feel prouder that I wrote all of those words. My project is actually written. What was once an active process suddenly feels passive.

What happens when what you’ve been writing (and editing and re-writing and re-re-writing) becomes something you wrote? I have found that I am not handling the transition very well. Even though I have advised new graduate students to plan for the transition from one project to another, I am struggling to stay focused. This lull in my day to day work life has left a considerable hole.

Over the last two months, I have not been able to devote time to writing and blogging in the same way I had during the fall semester. Blogging provided a balance to my scholarly writing. Blogging gave me a chance to simply write. Part of the reason I like blogging is that I have control over what I write, how I write it, and when I share my writing with readers. In academia, it rarely works this way. As a graduate student, you work in concert with mentors and advisors and sometimes with other graduate students. As an early career scholar, you’ll engage with academic publishing where most research and writing is subject to peer-review. Even outside of academic publishing, I’ve submitted two essays to an online publication and they’re also subject to an editor’s approval (see them here and here). Other people will always be involved in the words I write.

As I approach the end of my graduate training, I think it is important to pause and enjoy the progress I’ve made. I’ve agonized over sentences and words, formatted table after table and figure after figure, reformulated my own thoughts and ideas, and in the end, learned quite a bit. Now to decide what to write next.

Posted in academia, blogging, dissertation, grad school, higher education, lessons learned, teaching, work, writing | 2 Comments

Surfacing

Posted on February 28, 2013 by rglw

During the semester, there are rarely any un-busy moments. At the start of the semester, I am usually crafting my syllabus until the last possible moment. Or, I am hastily tying up loose odds and ends from a project or paper I worked on while I was not in the classroom. My advisor has helped me scale back my expectations tremendously. I did not understand her work habits when I first met her, but her dedication to carving out and protecting her time (and also sharing her time) has left an indelible mark on my work life.

Yet, no matter how much time you might dedicate to your work and how much progress you have made on your work, sometimes, it overtakes you. That is the story of my February. As the start of semester stress began to fade, I had to reorganize everything to get to editing the draft of my dissertation. And the work began to overtake everything, so much so, that over eight straight days until I finally clicked “send” I really did nothing but eat, sleep, and dissertate. I hardly even parented my little ladies.

A few lessons learned about carving out that kind of time:

1. Your project (whatever that project might be) will not get finished unless you devote time to it. Dissertation editing is no picnic but it’s productive and exciting work because every edit you make brings you one step closer to finishing. The more you get in your own way by distracting yourself or procrastinating, the longer the process will take.

2. Even if you can devote more time to your project, that does not mean the work will happen any faster. I know this because I have worked for the last eight days straight, through the weekend, through my nephew’s seventh birthday, through a visit with the in-laws, in the car en route to and from Boston, on my teaching day, in the cafe at the library, you name it. The work is going to take as long as it takes. Having more time means you can do more than if you had less time.

3. When you get myopically focused on your work, you will become one-dimensional for a little while and that’s okay. Right now, my professional life is all about higher education. I work in higher education, teach about higher education and research about higher education. When I’m not working on my teaching or research, I am reading about higher education. I wrote a freelance essay for an online publication about higher education. Right now, I’m extremely focused on what I do. It will not always be like this, and in order to stay focused, it’s alright if you get a little one-dimensional from time to time.

When the work overtakes you, it can feel like you’re drowning. It may also feel impossible to take care of yourself or others who depend on you.

The other sobering conclusion I’ve come to realize is that the only way to get out from under the work is to finish it. So that’s what I’m trying to do.

Posted in academia, coffee, dissertation, grad school, higher education, kids, lessons learned, marriage, personal, writing | 6 Comments

On academic chic

Posted on February 10, 2013 by rglw

I have been writing in public spaces all over the campus where I’m teaching this semester. And I have felt totally overdressed. Academic fashion is a delicate balance–how do you look professional enough to command authority in front of a classroom of students OR a room full of colleagues or <gasp> both?! If you go too formal, the students don’t identify with you. If you’re too casual, the students may not take you seriously. If your style is too crazy (or perhaps audacious), your colleagues may not identify with you OR not take you seriously. Because I never know who I will run into, I am trying to make a good impression every day, but that means I usually feel a little out of place no matter where I go.

As a graduate student on a largely rural university campus, dressing for a teaching day in the last few years was a serious struggle. What do you wear when you have to walk at least a mile or so (in the rain, snow or mud), hike up three flights of stairs, appear professional for up to two hours of the day, and then sit in a lonely, icy office? I have mostly rocked plain dress pants, turtlenecks and Dansko clogs for the past six winters.

Since September, I’ve pushed my outer limits of personal style by really putting myself together every day. I’ve been at a new (and smaller) institution, I have an easier commute, and I’m trying to have fun with my closet. That means high heels on cobblestone streets (not easy on the ankles) and power-clashing (for that ironic youthful look). But there are still times when I feel overdressed or underdressed for the day’s events.

We can argue all day if what I wear matters, but sociologists would say that presentation of self matters, especially for young female academics (and scholars of color). I haven’t seen my male colleagues stress too much about their attire. On those days when they had to look professional for an observation or a presentation, maybe they dressed it up. But on the whole, male graduate student and faculty colleagues of mine don’t seem to worry about their clothes. In fact, even on television, male academics throw on a blazer with elbow patches and call it a day.

And incidentally, students definitely notice. Students can rate their professors on any of several websites. Those ratings include the quality of their teaching as well as their “hotness.” The last time I checked, “hotness” was not a job qualification. A grad student colleague of mine told me that her students once dogged her fashion on her teaching evaluations. One day last semester, I was complaining about my fashion choices to my teaching assistant who remarked that I was “doing a great job” in the fashion department. In addition to staying current in my field, apparently now I need to keep up with this month’s InStyle.

Conventional wisdom about employment says dress for the job you want. Dressing up, I feel professional, competent and even confident. I just have to decide if I want to blend in enough at the Library coffee shop to overhear undergraduate students openly complaining about other professors.

No matter what I choose, it’s not likely to matter in the short term. A superstorm just walloped the northeast with over two feet of snow, so whatever I rock in the coming weeks, it’s going to have to go with snow boots.

Posted in academia, culture, fashion, grad school, personal, teaching, women | 13 Comments

Hurry up and hurry up again

Posted on January 25, 2013 by rglw

Two weeks ago, I started this post on due dates and deadlines, and had finally settled on “Hurry up and wait” for the title because it captured the pacing of academic work. Until this past week, my academic work followed this predictable pattern. With unstructured work days, in academia it can be challenging to establish deadlines. It is even tougher to stick to those deadlines whether they are concrete or self-imposed. It seems that no matter how much you plan, mull, struggle, and get down to brass tacks, looming deadlines hit like a ton of bricks. Once you meet those deadlines, there is no fanfare, no round of applause. It’s simply on to the next. The dust clears, and we wait. The waiting can be full of self-doubt, confusion, frustration, or even relief that the project, paper, proposal is temporarily “finished.” Having an autonomous work life means you have to be self-directed. People outside of academia often confuse autonomy with free time.

Twice over winter break, I experienced this “hurry up and wait” phenomenon. First, I met a conference submission deadline with 15 minutes to spare and now I will wait several weeks for the decision. And a second time, I submitted my full dissertation draft to my advisor. In both cases, I intended to have a small breather while I prepped for the spring semester.

Except that this past week, in a surprise turn of events, I found myself hurrying up and hurrying up further.

My advisor turned around comments on my FULL draft in ONE WEEK. [Sidenote: She is amazing.] I had hurried up, thinking I’d have to wait. And just as I submitted that conference paper, I got word that two other papers had been taken up for another conference in several weeks. All that hurrying up, I thought I’d have at least two weeks to wait.

This good news came one day into spring semester. Professionally, things could not be crazier.

Usually, I hurry up and wait. How should I handle hurrying up followed by further hurrying? The waiting allows for a mental breather, freeing up head space and physical time to do other things (even if only temporarily). What do I do now?

First thing’s first. Stop. Breathe.

Next step: make a plan. Stick to the things I’ve learned about working. Try to keep the dissertating research/writing as separate as possible from prepping. Also, trust that my students and my course will proceed without over-prepping (this is the hardest to do).

The winter break was seriously productive for me. Since my last post over two weeks ago, things have been heating up. I submitted a paper to a national conference for review. I found out two other conference submissions have been accepted. I gave a presentation on teaching undergraduate research and writing strategies to faculty at my institution (video to follow). I submitted a full draft of my dissertation to my advisor (and apparently already have feedback). And I have an essay with an online publication green-lighted.

I am hurrying to keep up with myself.

Posted in academia, dissertation, grad school, higher education, teaching, writing | 2 Comments

A week in the life….

Posted on January 11, 2013 by rglw

I have focused all sociological thinking on dissertation writing.

Here’s what it looked like (including a shameless selfie shot):

Posted in academia, coffee, dissertation, grad school, personal, work, writing | 2 Comments